i suck at life

have you ever wondered how sometimes a simple day turns tragic and disappointing?
it started out good enough. the previous night was fantastic. lots of laughs. nice turn of events. good beer. just three or so. nothing too heavy...
but i don't know.. something happened today.
maybe it was because i was exhausted...
maybe my mood was just tweaked enough to set me off...
but i found myself angry at erin today.
as a result i said the most hurtful angry things.
i'm not sure if it was because i was hurt or resentful or bitter...
but i said some very mean things that i didn't believe.
i'm not sure what the point was... but now
i feel like this sledgehammer has completely caved my chest in.
erin keeps telling me that i am not to fall in love with her...
and i'm not.
but the constant reminders make me feel somewhat worthless.
i don't know if she understands that. it's not because i'm in love with her
but i guess a part of me feels that lack of desirability equates to me
being unwanted...
it seems foolish in hindsight but i can't shake this feeling.
all i want is for us to be ok.. so we can drive on
but i have this sinking feeling the words were too harsh...
maybe time will make it better.
maybe it'll be ok tomorrow.
but i have this feeling she might close me out now.
and that would be tragic.
why can't life be easier?
i'm not even talking about love.
just life.. this kind of crap should never happen between friends.
i just found her... it would suck completely to turn around and lose her already.
i'm afraid that things won't be the same any more.
damn my big mouth.