remembering the past year.

Here we are... almost at 2007. A lot's happened over the past year. Like Dickens said... It was the best of times... it was the worst of times.I can honestly say that 2006 was one of the best years of my life... I can also honestly say, it was one of the most difficult. It was one of those years where you could tell exactly who your true friends are.
I'm not even sure where to start. I truly do try to live without regrets. I succeed for the most part. I'm not sure why life is rough.. do we do it to ourselves... or does life 'just happen?'

Regardless... I don't regret anything that happened this year..except for maybe one thing. I did this funny thing when I was at my lowest... I pushed away my dearest friend. I guess I'm writing this to her specifically... in the hopes that she might catch a glimpse of it. Erin.. Heejung. Heej.. I miss you so much.If you can understand anything about me... the reason I said the things I did... was to push you away. So it wouldn't hurt as much. on both our accounts. stupid. i know. so fucking stupid. I think about you every day. I've thought about you every single day since the last time we talked. What's horrible is that I'm really not sure what it is that scared you so much...I know we went really far in a short time. but... is it really worth our friendship?
Do you know how much I love you? still?
I just wish... I had a moment to talk to you.. a moment only you can give. because I refuse to believe that this is it for us. I know that there was true love between us.there is for me still.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this..except..I'd like to see you before the end of the year... because after the first... I truly will try and forget about you.
I tried this entire time and I failed utterly.
I miss you.

Bleh. I'll clean this up later.

Man, my blog is pure crap.

Complete, unadulterated, self-indulgent, worthless, whiny, crap.

I think I might have left some choice words out. I hadn't actually written anything in a while and after reading kushibo's blog I noticed I would actually have to make my presence less anonymous in order to comment there. That's a mixed bag I suppose. The dude gets a ton of hits and that would just bring attention to my POS blog with all its emo-esque whinings. I'm not sure if I really want that. To lurk or not to lurk.

Ah fuck it. He really does write some excellent satire. I already said it anyhow, this is my repository for useless crap. If I'd wanted to write something more salient and meaningful... I would have done it already... I'll leave that up for the likes of the Marmot and Oranckay.

Meanwhile back at the ranch. Erin is still in the hospital... I wonder if she's ever going to be okay. I worry about her a lot. I'm afraid she's going to be in pain for a long time, if not the rest of her life. Nobody should have to deal with that. Hopefully the docs will get their heads out of their asses and figure out what the heck is wrong with her arm... barring that, hopefully they'll figure out what the heck medication has a positive effect on her and is able to cut through her pain.

Praying for you kiddo.

...more to follow.

Once upon a time...

there was this girl from Korea
she was quite a wonderful little girl
she had the best smile

one day, she met a boy
he wasn't particularly anything special
but they got along fairly well.
in fact, they got along beautifully.

as time went by, the boy became
enamored with the girl
but, to the boy's dismay, the girl
didn't like the boy in that way.
or so he thought.

it turns out she was once under the
spell of an evil wizard
who had done terrible things to her
it so happened that the boy reminded
her of this terrible wizard even though
they were not the same person

so she ran away from the boy
even though there was no reason to.
the boy was saddened by this
but he loved her very much.
and to his credit, he let her go

but one day, the boy and the girl kissed
it was a magical moment
and the way that things should have been
unfortunately the girl was under the sway
of a foul poison and could not remember a thing

the boy was saddened by the turn of events
but still the boy kept true to the girl
and kept his promise to always be dear friends
to this day, the boy and girl remain closest of
friends.

but the boy will never forget.. and wishes
the girl will remember one day
and stop running away.

the end.

happy new year

so.. i suppose i should write more often cause lots of stuff has happened in two weeks. :D
Turns out Erin was super mad at me and almost deleted me from life.
haha.
but she got over being mad at me and we're good again.
at the same time she had to go to the hospital for some wicked bad headaches after her car accident :(
she just got out the other day but had to go back cause her headaches got hella bad.
:
hmm.
as for me
it's new years and i'm down at my parents. i went out last night with Su Yeon. It was great. I hadn't seen her in a couple of months... but we had a great time. i'm the luckiest guy in the world. i'm not sure what she sees in me.. but i guess i got lucky :P

ha. life is good.

i suck at life

have you ever wondered how sometimes a simple day turns tragic and disappointing?
it started out good enough. the previous night was fantastic. lots of laughs. nice turn of events. good beer. just three or so. nothing too heavy...
but i don't know.. something happened today.
maybe it was because i was exhausted...
maybe my mood was just tweaked enough to set me off...
but i found myself angry at erin today.
as a result i said the most hurtful angry things.
i'm not sure if it was because i was hurt or resentful or bitter...
but i said some very mean things that i didn't believe.
i'm not sure what the point was... but now
i feel like this sledgehammer has completely caved my chest in.
erin keeps telling me that i am not to fall in love with her...
and i'm not.
but the constant reminders make me feel somewhat worthless.
i don't know if she understands that. it's not because i'm in love with her
but i guess a part of me feels that lack of desirability equates to me
being unwanted...
it seems foolish in hindsight but i can't shake this feeling.
all i want is for us to be ok.. so we can drive on
but i have this sinking feeling the words were too harsh...
maybe time will make it better.
maybe it'll be ok tomorrow.
but i have this feeling she might close me out now.
and that would be tragic.
why can't life be easier?
i'm not even talking about love.
just life.. this kind of crap should never happen between friends.
i just found her... it would suck completely to turn around and lose her already.
i'm afraid that things won't be the same any more.
damn my big mouth.

death, taxes and Cal Ripken Jr.

They had this sign in Baltimore years back... well, it was a mural that plastered on a 10+ story building actually. Anyhow.. it was about what's certain in life. I think I'll forever remember that sign. I really wish in hindsight that digital cameras were cheaper back then... I need to get one. My phone just isn't cutting it. It takes great pictures, but I don't have the software/cable to get it off the phone here. Of course I'm still lacking a computer.... but anyhow. I will rectify that situation soon enough.

So... What is this all about anyhow? I don't know why.. but I guess a couple of conversations I had today reminded me about death and taxes... and I suppose Cal Ripken, Jr too by default.

Death. How old is old enough.. where it's ok to let go? I can't imagine living to 100... I mean living years past your prime... all your friends and family.. gone. I don't think I would want to live to be that old. Of course, if the love of my life was with me.. of course I would hang on for as long as I could. But that comes to the second thing.. what if you were chronically ill? If you were on a respirator/life support and the only reason you were alive was because of an IV drip permanently plugged into your vein. Would you want to 'live'? If it was my choice, no. That's not worth it. Agonizing bed sores, unable to communicate... trapped in a shell of a human body. Screw that.

On a brighter note. Tax season is upon us soon. Even though it's only January, I'm excited. I always do my taxes as soon as I get my W-2, just because then it's out of the way and ZOOM. Refund city. I love my tax bracket :D

Anyhow. Those were my two thoughts for today.

It's friday. time to get my drink on.
WOOT!

you can't always get what you want...

Who knew that the Mick Jagger could ever be considered sage or wise...
Things have stabilized in my so called life and could actually be considered back to normal.
HRm. Verdana.. so much more pleasing to the eye than Times New Roman. Why not just call it Times or Roman.. what's so new about it? I guess if you were a typesetter you could be offended by such idle musings.

So... what is normal? Well, I'm most definitely not attached to anyone. Go figure. I think I will end up being that old guy who plays chess in the park. There's a brand of solace in being single I think. Nobody to answer to, complete freedom to do whatever the fuck you want. And yet... I think there's a part of me that likes being in relationships. Someone to share both lifes little triumphs and also the little miseries. Ever since D and I split up.. I really haven't been with anyone in any significant way. But part of me wonders what I ever saw in her.. I mean by comparison with relationships past, she had nothing to offer me... I think I made the pedestal mistake with her... but ultimately, there was a time I was in love with her. I look at the potential there was with Beth and go wow. There is absolutely no reason to settle for less, ever. So my standards got stepped up a notch... again. This sorta makes it a pain in the ass to be with anyone.

I guess I should say for posterity that Beth and I are good. Everything is sorted out.. she's in love.. not with me, but that's fine because I am happy for her. Once everything was said and done, it was great. Completely great.. we were talking like we used to in no time at all. It was such a freaking relief because it was like within a matter of minutes the big cloud that was hanging over us was GONE. It's a good feeling. I was completely miserable when she was putting distance between us... In retrospect, I think it was completely unnecessary. But hey! It's all good now. I can't wait till she gets back. This year is going to be great fun. :D I <3 Beth.

Despite not being with anyone, I'm definitely not alone. I've made some incredible friends in the past couple of weeks. I can say most definitively that I couldn't ask for more from the friends I've made.
I should take a moment to talk about Erin, what a goof. So the other day, I was browsing around for new music.. perusing myspace people for new music ideas.. you know. Being a inet social butterfly. Anyhow, I was bored and asked her to message me if she was bored. I guess she was. Anyhow, the first time we talked, I was completely befuddled. I could have sworn this girl was the devil personified... talk about obnoxious and stuck up. Holy cow. I was like, how could someone with such good taste in books and music be so fricking bitchy?
Well.. as it turns out, it was just a front.. IM persona to fend off internet creeps.. or was it just me? I guess she thought my picture was obnoxiously funny.. so in turn she was obnoxious to me. Feh. Anyhow, the next night we talked again, and I guess through the magic of the handphone, she figured out I wasn't an obnoxious prick either. Go figure. Anyhow, we ended up going to eat dinner, sang karaoke and watched a movie.. all in the same night. I had a complete blast. All thanks to myspace + boredom. Crazy.
Anyhow. She's awesome. Can't wait to hang out with her more. Definitely gonna make the next year a blast. I have more amusing anecdotes about her.. but..

I think I'm blogged out for the time being...

more to follow...

possible responses

Let's see. Out of all the things i asked for...
i asked not to be told over email or im.
my one simple request..

So, I got the notification via email.

I had a rush of emotions when i read it.
ultimately.. it was something i suspected would happen.
so i wasn't too surprised.
but over email?

Anyhow, some possible responses.

Bitter:
Dear Beth,
Fuck you very much for leading me on. I love you, but I hate you.
The End.
ki

Bereft:
Dear Beth,
How could you do this to me? Why didn't you give us a chance?
Why did you tell me it was ok to fall for you and lie to me that there was no other shoe?
-sigh-
ki

Strong:
Dear Beth,
I wish you the best. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I wish the timing had been better, but life throws you these curveballs sometimes. Thanks for everything. You still mean the world to me. I look forward to you getting back and hanging out.
ki

And the winner is?

Dear Beth,
In spite of how things turned out... ultimately, I find that I do understand. I'm glad not to be waiting any more. Do I wish things could be different? Of course. You came into my life like a hurricane, turning everything upside down. You left your mark... I think you'll find that once everything is said and done, we will still be good if not best friends. It might be possible for that to be as soon as tomorrow. I don't know. It hit me hard. But I'll get over it. Like I've said before, I want you to be happy. If this makes you happy. So be it. Your beloved Heinlein said, "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another is essential to your own."
It's true. I make no excuses for how I feel/felt/still feel about you. But be happy. I think you have made the right choice. I never asked to fall for you. It happened. Everything happens for a reason right? I don't know what the reason is in this case... but at the very least, it doesn't change the fact that we met and were destined to have met. and that is a good thing.
I won't miss what we could have been, because it never happened. But I will cherish what will be.
I love you.

Ki

feh

well.
i guess beth figured it out...
i'm not the one.
guess I never was. I wish she could have told me before
maybe before I started liking her so much.
a part of me feels used...
but anyhow.
no regrets.
no more tears.
'thanks for trying, have a nice day'
i'll write about this some day when i can put everything together.